A Plot to Garden

Now, it appears, that the sun is here to stay. The sun and rain are pushing the plants to the surface. By now the peonies are coming up ( I wonder if these transplante beauties will bloom?), the irises are getting stronger and while everyone else's tulips have already bloomed, mine are just threatening to bloom. The spirea don't seem to be doing well but I still have hope that they will get the sun they need. The dogwood is starting to show its leaves, the birch survived the winter and is coming back in full force - The Scot's Pine did not fair as well and is looking a little brown. I will transplant that one this year. The ferns are so cool they are the big ones an dthey are unfolding so beautifully I can't wait to see them later this year. I will plant the ususal herbs (sweet basil, thyme, oregano, camomile, sage, tarragon, dill and lavender) and some nasturtiums. And I will anticipate the arrival of the white and purple coneflowers with their black-eyed Susan freinds.

This year in addition to my backyard, I will also have a garden plot t the Glocester community allotment garden. I will plant some yummy veggies (zuchinni, tomatoes, peppers, corn, cucumbers, lettuce, beans) this is my new adventure in gardening ;) We'll see how it goes with little miss rebane. Hopefully I ma not being too ambitous.

Bike in Italy

Bike in Italy,
originally uploaded by Viva.

Only in Italy could a bike be placed just so and be so charming with Graffiti. THis was taken in Verona.

Water woman

Water woman,
originally uploaded by Viva.

This photo was transfered from a digital shot taken in Stockholm. I love the expression on her face. This transfer appears to be black and White, but that is just s result of a poor scan. THe figure is actually emerald green with some redish detail in the background.

Bike with flowers

Bike with flowers,
originally uploaded by Viva.

Taken in Florence, Italy.

While at the Vatican

While at the Vatican,
originally uploaded by Viva.

This photo was taken of me in the entrance of the Vatican in September 2004. I rendered the photo in photoshop and then transfered it onto watercolour paper.

Colors Magazine - a great read

"Based on what I've seen I can say that we don't live in a beautiful world. Which is why when I travel I never ever complain. I adapt myself to any circumstance because I know that for so many people, suffering is the rule of normalcy."

Gorgio Bentenelli -World Traveller

Dream Job

I think that my dream job would be in photojournalism. I would live wherever I wished and would travel all over the world on assignment. I could take documentary photos and write pieces to accompany the images. How close to this is what I am doing right now? Not even close. But what am I doing about it?

Well I have started by doing some small things. I bought a wonderful camera - and I have taken the camera on many my many travels. I have also started taking some photos at weddings and for portraits. And I have fallen in love with photo transfers. It is the best of all my favorite art pusuits - printamaking, photography drawing, and painting. It is invigorating to get the creativity back and to be inspired again.

Who knows what this year will bring - maybe I am getting a day closer to realizing a dream everyday.

Who wants more?

Reflecting on the dynamics between us, I cannot help but feel that one of us wants more -more sex, more intimacy, more thoughtful moments, more romance, more friendship, more support, more encouragement... more.

You almost seem absent, distanced. You ahve never asked for anything. Doyou want anything. You appear to move throught the motions -to be happy there - it is just enough - and just enough is all you need. If it is good enough for you - it should be good enough for me too...right?

I feel as if I am trying to steer a ship in a sea...and I am the only one interested in surviving the storm. While we both need to steer the ship - I feel you never noticed that we were in a storm to begin with, you don't much care and by the way "what's for dinner?". I can't steer this big ship alone.

Things are about to change drastically, and I don't think you will notice until it is too late. Why am I trying so hard when it doesn't really matter? and, why do you keep my just on the outside? What are you afraid of...or is it that you just don't think about it? Am I wishing you to be someone you are not? Hopeful you will become who I see you to be? Or, are you in there somewhere but you just lost sight?

I want more because I give more - we give in the proportion that we want in relationships. You have stopped giving and have now taken too much. It is time for me to give less and expect less? That's is somewhere I cannot go. Why should I lower MY expectations to "basic life support"?

Of late the complexities of human nature, relationships and the second half of life have bubbles fiercy to the surface. Presently, I am 5 months pregnant. I have had many reflections on how very overwheelming it is to bring a new person into the world and what a miracle we all really are - each one of us. We are all someone's little miracle. The wave of change that follows leaves the landscape changed forwever. And this is the next unknown: How we will be changed by the coming of this life? Will we weather well?

An aquaintance of mine has been trying to have a child with his wife for over 10 years. They met as highschool sweethearts and were married early. They had exciting plans for the future and they both deeply loved their twin girls when they finally came to be. Three months after the girls were born, he made the decision to leave his wife. He was "bored". Apparently, he had been for a long time. He wanted to loosen the noose of marriage and explore the world and the people in it, but he still wanted to be a father to his girls. This news ripped my heart out. I felt so alone for her - so overwhelmed, vulnerable and lost - devastated. Had these two beautiful miracle babies pushed something to the surface that may have layed dormant for a very long time?

I am perplexed and unsure as to what waves our baby will bring into our lives...my hope is that she will bring something special out in both of us and in doing so, we will be inspired to be better poeple and have a stronger relationship for us and for her. But I guess only time will tell.

It is all making sense now

I recently completed a Herman Brain Dominance profile. While I thought there would be no surprise as to what quadrants I would fall in...there was...a big surprise...and I am not sure that it is not pregnancy making it so.

I came out as a dominant quadrant D - Artistic, strategic, divergent thinker, risk taker. My next dominant was emotional - music, feelings, empathy... interesting, because I thought that I would have something more in the area of logical and sequential...but not even close.

So what does this tell me? That I will not be successful in the current job that I am in. It is purely operational and my strategic point of view is not appreciated at this level of work. It is overwhelming for the detailed, sequential and methodical mind. I would however excel in strategic planning and policy. I think this should be my next step.

I should also be pursuing art, wirintg and music more fervently....these things make up who I truly am.

True Love

In the spirit of Valentines Day, I couldn't think of a more appropriate post. I recently returned from Winnipeg, where I had visited my relatives after 17 years of being apart. In those 17 much has changed.

In the last 8 or 9, my great aunt Shirley has been afflicted by Alzhiemers. My uncle Morris, has, in many ways already lost his life partner. He lovingly vists her at the home she is in. He has arranged her family photos around her, brings her flowers and does her make-up and hair each day. There are little notes around the room : " Be sure to brush Shirly's teeth after meals", Be sure to put Shirly's underarm deoderant on after dressing", " Please be sure to lie Shirly on her back with a pillow tucked behind her head". He makes absolutely sure that the love of his life is taken care of and that no one forgets that she was once a vibrant woman.

Shirley was one of six sisters. She met Morris when she was 16. THey fell in love and married after the war. He was a trumpet player and his brother Bill teh sax and clarinet player. They played with the likes of Benny Goodman, Bob Hope, Sammy Davis Jr., and the Winipeg Symphony Orchestra...and many more of the Big Band names of the time. THe regularly played a tthe Fort Gary. I can picture Shirley tapping her toes and lighting up the room with her vivacious smile. It hardly seems right to let her light go dim the way it is.

Morris still takes her by the hands, while she is seated in her wheelchair, and sways them together with his, as if to be dancing together. I felt I have truely witnessed true love - the kind that will transcend who we are now. It was a beautiful Valentines gift.

What will I do when it's time to go back?

I have about 6 moths remaining until I pop a new person inot the world. This gets me thinking about how unbelievably unhappy I have been in my career, and that these next six moths provide an oppourtunity to end on a high note, and possible pursue something new upon returning.

So what kinds of new endeavors would I entertain. Well for staters, I can take a year leave of absence for education - so maybe photgraphy or journalism? I can also take an exchange into the private and/or not for profit sector. I have been told that my energy would be well used in that environemnt, so maybe I will investigate this as an option.

Either way, I think that the changing perspective that a child will bring, coupled with some good self-reflection could bring about a change for me - 'cause lord knows I can't do 25 more years of this.

Christmas Past-life Reading

Alan and I went ot a wonderful Christmas party last weekend. One part of it was past life readings. I think that he was quite good too.

First he said that I lived in the Netherlands around 800 AD. I left the area as a result of famine. I made tapestries. My struggle then was to choose to be a housewife or to choose creative pursuits...isn't that a riot! Apparently someone will be coming into my life to guide me in the next year...let's hope he come soon!

Life is a Real Bitch Sometimes

Whoever said the glass ceiling has advanced a few floors is full of it!

Let me explain. With all my experience and skills...which I still believe are many, I was asked to head up the United Way Campaign. I liken this lead role to be the head of the queens tea party: it is all women...running bakesales...dressing up in costumes and raffling turkeys and selling junk, every which where ...while the male managers sit back saying "good job ladies". So, I refused the role. I did not want the pigeon-hole of- Charity Cheerleader...which I am not. Lord knows they would come knowcking again next year.

Today we received the results of the Senior Offer job...the top three- guys, that last three ladies. It says a lot that #3 on the list even said he didn't understand how he could have beat me...whatever...no one ever said life was fair...adn this just proves it.

So, being a real bitch may pay off afterall - Not sure...but I am willing to try now.

Keeping an Art Journal

I religiously keep a journal. I have always kept a journal...since as long as I can remember. I have alwasy dodled in the journals, but never though much of mixing the artsy stuf with the written stuff - yet I love found poetry and drawing immmensly. While I already don't have enough time to keep a regular journal...I think it would be very cool to keep an art journal with collages and drawings alongside the words...

THe modern gypsy site is super cool. I knoww how I will use my abandoned sketchbooks an drevitalize thier place inn my life..yippee cool...

I might even be able to use some of my early Polaroid transfers for the first few journals...I am totally excited.

Week 2 - Boot camp - Take two.

I have definately acheived a hieghtened awareness that I lack self-discipline. This will have to be a crack down week. I think there are obvious glaring areas for improvemnt. Eating is definately one of them. New strategy with two goals.

1) Cut sugar intake at work ( no candies and less sugar in coffee)
2) Keep busy at home to avoid snacking after 7 - Do photography work and Italian homework.

That's it. If I can't do that over the next 5 days...I'm doomed.

THis reminds me of when we did the 24 hour famine in university....I lasted less than 2 hours because I uncounsciously went straight for the fridge that evening ;(. Arrrgh.

Sorry the blog is so boring lately...

Day 3 - SD Bootcamp 5/10

Still not doing too well on the SD mission. But maybe a step closer to building awareness. I must perserver...trudge trudge trudge...

Bricks
Snacked again after 7pm. But not as much as usual.
Still ate those blasted hershey kisses and m&ms at the office. Need to work on reducing sugar.
Still not getting to bed before 11.
Still not kepping mouth shut at work.
Did not complete Italian homework.
No excercise.
Need to spend at least an hour on Photography.

Flowers
Did bring a healthy lunch of beet soup, salad and yougourt prepared the night before.
Was on time for work.
DId not bitch too heavily about being bored at work.
Took my multi-vitamin

For Tomorrow
Get 8 hours sleep
No unnecessary snacking after 7.
Review and complete italian home work.
Excercise
Make some time for photography.

Clear Blue Easy

It was either October 27 or 28th, under the eclipsed moon, that it happened. I work up the next morning and, call it intuition, but I knew.

As of today's date that makes me a week late for my period and 3 weeks pregnant. It is not time to announce anything yet, babies need at least a threee month test drive to figure out whether they would like to stay.

That means, by the third week in January I will be three months. Then it's announcement time.

I have already got myself on a midwifery waiting list - it would be so great to have a midwife get me through this.

So how does it feel? Well it feels like I ma goign to have my period in 3 days..that feeling when you know it's coming? Sort of like that. So far no sickness or tiredness...not more than normal, but maybe that will change...in fact a lot is about to change. I will just have to close my eyes and ride it through ;).

The Interview

Well it is finally over! Whew!

Everyone was in and out of there in 20 minutes, but they were the people most likely to know most of the answers. I was in there for an hour. Mmmmm - how ironic would it be that I come in last! God I hope not. I just need to have my dignity in tact when tyhe process is over.

I ma so excited to go home tonight...I am going to download my pics from the Cinque Terre and Tuscany and prepare them for Printing. I can't wait to pick some for enlargement.

My Vivatar slide printer should be here soon also. I have already prepared some shots for transfer and can't wait to get that started.

Now that I now longer have this interview haning over me...I can watch TV too!

P.s. Day 3 is not going perfectly, but better. Will report later.

Day 2 - SD Bootcamp 5/10

Day 2 - downward trend? Maybe I need to re-evaluate the goals... Maybe I just need to get the stress of the interview off my back.

Bricks
- ate so many hershy kisses at work- I can't remember (was very stressed about job interview)
- Did not focus on studying for interview today at work - wasted time all day adn was very unproductive
- ate a Shwarma for lunch when I had already lovingly prepared a beautiful salad.
- ate after 7 pm again..but tried to limit myself to only a handful of nacho chips.
- ate two lean cuisines ;(...and they werent even that good.
- ate custard.
- will not get to bed before 11:30.
- procrastinated preparation for my big interview tomorrow - very bad me.
- did not excercise...bad bad bad

Flowers
- did contain myself enough to only take one sugar and a bit in my the and coffee today.
- Did focus on job interview after watching Dr. Phil, and stayed off the Internet...mostly.
- Will get clothes, lunch and dog stuff organized for the morning.

For Next Time
- Need to avoid food sources as pacifiers when under stress.