Dream Job

I think that my dream job would be in photojournalism. I would live wherever I wished and would travel all over the world on assignment. I could take documentary photos and write pieces to accompany the images. How close to this is what I am doing right now? Not even close. But what am I doing about it?

Well I have started by doing some small things. I bought a wonderful camera - and I have taken the camera on many my many travels. I have also started taking some photos at weddings and for portraits. And I have fallen in love with photo transfers. It is the best of all my favorite art pusuits - printamaking, photography drawing, and painting. It is invigorating to get the creativity back and to be inspired again.

Who knows what this year will bring - maybe I am getting a day closer to realizing a dream everyday.

Who wants more?

Reflecting on the dynamics between us, I cannot help but feel that one of us wants more -more sex, more intimacy, more thoughtful moments, more romance, more friendship, more support, more encouragement... more.

You almost seem absent, distanced. You ahve never asked for anything. Doyou want anything. You appear to move throught the motions -to be happy there - it is just enough - and just enough is all you need. If it is good enough for you - it should be good enough for me too...right?

I feel as if I am trying to steer a ship in a sea...and I am the only one interested in surviving the storm. While we both need to steer the ship - I feel you never noticed that we were in a storm to begin with, you don't much care and by the way "what's for dinner?". I can't steer this big ship alone.

Things are about to change drastically, and I don't think you will notice until it is too late. Why am I trying so hard when it doesn't really matter? and, why do you keep my just on the outside? What are you afraid of...or is it that you just don't think about it? Am I wishing you to be someone you are not? Hopeful you will become who I see you to be? Or, are you in there somewhere but you just lost sight?

I want more because I give more - we give in the proportion that we want in relationships. You have stopped giving and have now taken too much. It is time for me to give less and expect less? That's is somewhere I cannot go. Why should I lower MY expectations to "basic life support"?

Of late the complexities of human nature, relationships and the second half of life have bubbles fiercy to the surface. Presently, I am 5 months pregnant. I have had many reflections on how very overwheelming it is to bring a new person into the world and what a miracle we all really are - each one of us. We are all someone's little miracle. The wave of change that follows leaves the landscape changed forwever. And this is the next unknown: How we will be changed by the coming of this life? Will we weather well?

An aquaintance of mine has been trying to have a child with his wife for over 10 years. They met as highschool sweethearts and were married early. They had exciting plans for the future and they both deeply loved their twin girls when they finally came to be. Three months after the girls were born, he made the decision to leave his wife. He was "bored". Apparently, he had been for a long time. He wanted to loosen the noose of marriage and explore the world and the people in it, but he still wanted to be a father to his girls. This news ripped my heart out. I felt so alone for her - so overwhelmed, vulnerable and lost - devastated. Had these two beautiful miracle babies pushed something to the surface that may have layed dormant for a very long time?

I am perplexed and unsure as to what waves our baby will bring into our lives...my hope is that she will bring something special out in both of us and in doing so, we will be inspired to be better poeple and have a stronger relationship for us and for her. But I guess only time will tell.