Keeping an Art Journal

I religiously keep a journal. I have always kept a journal...since as long as I can remember. I have alwasy dodled in the journals, but never though much of mixing the artsy stuf with the written stuff - yet I love found poetry and drawing immmensly. While I already don't have enough time to keep a regular journal...I think it would be very cool to keep an art journal with collages and drawings alongside the words...

THe modern gypsy site is super cool. I knoww how I will use my abandoned sketchbooks an drevitalize thier place inn my life..yippee cool...

I might even be able to use some of my early Polaroid transfers for the first few journals...I am totally excited.

Week 2 - Boot camp - Take two.

I have definately acheived a hieghtened awareness that I lack self-discipline. This will have to be a crack down week. I think there are obvious glaring areas for improvemnt. Eating is definately one of them. New strategy with two goals.

1) Cut sugar intake at work ( no candies and less sugar in coffee)
2) Keep busy at home to avoid snacking after 7 - Do photography work and Italian homework.

That's it. If I can't do that over the next 5 days...I'm doomed.

THis reminds me of when we did the 24 hour famine in university....I lasted less than 2 hours because I uncounsciously went straight for the fridge that evening ;(. Arrrgh.

Sorry the blog is so boring lately...

Day 3 - SD Bootcamp 5/10

Still not doing too well on the SD mission. But maybe a step closer to building awareness. I must perserver...trudge trudge trudge...

Bricks
Snacked again after 7pm. But not as much as usual.
Still ate those blasted hershey kisses and m&ms at the office. Need to work on reducing sugar.
Still not getting to bed before 11.
Still not kepping mouth shut at work.
Did not complete Italian homework.
No excercise.
Need to spend at least an hour on Photography.

Flowers
Did bring a healthy lunch of beet soup, salad and yougourt prepared the night before.
Was on time for work.
DId not bitch too heavily about being bored at work.
Took my multi-vitamin

For Tomorrow
Get 8 hours sleep
No unnecessary snacking after 7.
Review and complete italian home work.
Excercise
Make some time for photography.

Clear Blue Easy

It was either October 27 or 28th, under the eclipsed moon, that it happened. I work up the next morning and, call it intuition, but I knew.

As of today's date that makes me a week late for my period and 3 weeks pregnant. It is not time to announce anything yet, babies need at least a threee month test drive to figure out whether they would like to stay.

That means, by the third week in January I will be three months. Then it's announcement time.

I have already got myself on a midwifery waiting list - it would be so great to have a midwife get me through this.

So how does it feel? Well it feels like I ma goign to have my period in 3 days..that feeling when you know it's coming? Sort of like that. So far no sickness or tiredness...not more than normal, but maybe that will change...in fact a lot is about to change. I will just have to close my eyes and ride it through ;).

The Interview

Well it is finally over! Whew!

Everyone was in and out of there in 20 minutes, but they were the people most likely to know most of the answers. I was in there for an hour. Mmmmm - how ironic would it be that I come in last! God I hope not. I just need to have my dignity in tact when tyhe process is over.

I ma so excited to go home tonight...I am going to download my pics from the Cinque Terre and Tuscany and prepare them for Printing. I can't wait to pick some for enlargement.

My Vivatar slide printer should be here soon also. I have already prepared some shots for transfer and can't wait to get that started.

Now that I now longer have this interview haning over me...I can watch TV too!

P.s. Day 3 is not going perfectly, but better. Will report later.

Day 2 - SD Bootcamp 5/10

Day 2 - downward trend? Maybe I need to re-evaluate the goals... Maybe I just need to get the stress of the interview off my back.

Bricks
- ate so many hershy kisses at work- I can't remember (was very stressed about job interview)
- Did not focus on studying for interview today at work - wasted time all day adn was very unproductive
- ate a Shwarma for lunch when I had already lovingly prepared a beautiful salad.
- ate after 7 pm again..but tried to limit myself to only a handful of nacho chips.
- ate two lean cuisines ;(...and they werent even that good.
- ate custard.
- will not get to bed before 11:30.
- procrastinated preparation for my big interview tomorrow - very bad me.
- did not excercise...bad bad bad

Flowers
- did contain myself enough to only take one sugar and a bit in my the and coffee today.
- Did focus on job interview after watching Dr. Phil, and stayed off the Internet...mostly.
- Will get clothes, lunch and dog stuff organized for the morning.

For Next Time
- Need to avoid food sources as pacifiers when under stress.

Day 1 - Self-Discipline Bootcamp 6/10

How did the first day of self-disipline boot camp go? Not bad...could've been worse. But it is only the first day...

Bricks
- very unconsciously stole two peices of a smartie filled chocolate
- ate after 7 PM (slice of cheese, Mini-go and A bite or two of roasted chicken while makeing lunch).
- arrived to work late because I did not make whole lunch night before, and slept in and did not prepare my clothees in the morning.
- did not make time to complete studying for interview wednesday - instread watched Dr. Phil and CSI Miami.
- Did not get to bed on time....
- did not excercise ;(

Flowers
- ONLY stole 2 pieces of smartie filled chocolate - could've eaten whole bar.
- Had green tea sans suger in the evening
- Had breakfast coffe with 1 suger not two.
- Got out of bed relatively on time
- sat down for 2 hours to complete my italian work
- forced myself to go to bed before 11:30
- Stayed off ebay.

To work on:
- prepare lunch night before - have ready to go
- Put clothing out for next day ironed and ready to go
- get out of bed on time
- Go to bed before 10 PM
- focus on studying for interview Wednesday.
- 1 hour of TV per day.
- don't get distracted by phone calls and ebay
- Continue to minimize suger intake.

Standing Between Me and Greatness

“I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.” -Aristotle (384 – 322 B.C.)

So it becomes clear to me - what stands between me and greatness - Self-discipline and focus.

I am pretty sure that I have rarely, if ever, been able to discipline myself to the point where I could declare success. I greatly admire those taht can achieve great hieghts through focus and determiniation. I want the secret potion that would allow me to focus long enought to a) keep up with a fitness program and yoga, b) write c) become a good photographer d) accumulate wealth e) resist shopping at winners and H&M.

“Rest not! Life is sweeping by; go and do before you die. Something mighty and sublime, leave behind to conquer time.”
-Johann Goethe (1749 – 1832)

I certainly have no problem living with great abandon when I can, or pampering my moments here on earth. I have travelled all kinds of places an have been on great adventures...but for the most part I come back broke and 10 pouinds heavier... ;)

“Endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is to the one who endures that the final victory comes.”
-Buddha (568 – 488 BC)

So final victory and I will never meet at this point. So how does one cultivate that kind of endurance?

“One should act in consonance with the way of Heaven and Earth, enduring and eternal, the superior man perseveres long in his course, adapts to the times, but remains firm in his direction and correct in his goals.”
-I Ching (1150 BC)

Ah, back to the self-discipline, focus and perserverence thing. I am doomed. Evidence that I am doomed is inherent in this posting...but there is a small ray of hope - apparently I have to set different goals for myself: self discipline goals:

Self-discipline-oriented goals are essential to generating self-control, motivation, and persistence, the other three key ingredients needed for self-discipline. Here is an example of self-discipline goals:

1. I want to have total control over when, how, and what I eat for the next 30 days.
2. I am going to gain control of my finances by sticking to my scheduled budget each and every day for the next 90 days.
3. I want my fellow co-workers to look up to me as a leader and example of discipline by the way I speak, act, and dress in 60 days.
4. I will gain control of my emotions by disciplining my anger, depression, and attitude around my family, friends, and co-workers.
5. I am going to set aside one hour every day to work on my goal of being self-employed in one year.

Now these are not MY goals, rather samples of self-discipline goals that I could articulate. So here we go...

1) I want to have total control over when, how, and what I eat for the next 15 days. I will not snack after 7 PM, I will cut suger intake in half.
2) I will have control over my health and fitness in the nex 15 days by doing some physical activity fpr at least 30 minutes per day.
3) I will spend an hour each day improving my photography skills and knowledge.
4) I will be in complete control of my emotions and stress at work and will refrain from freaking out.

That's all I can do. So I will report back each day on progress or lack thereof :

Does she have the self-discipline enought o be a success?
Will she fail and be doomed to life that lacks achievement?
Will she gain another 10 pounds trying?

Stay tuned....

Vespertine - things flourishing in the evening

There is nothing much happening here this evening...I am enjoying Bjork's greatest hits on Winamp and marvelling at the sheer abandon with which she creates music and explosively expresses herself. Her music is very visual - a bit of a strange comment, but if you listen you can hear all the layers and see them moving. She takes some of the unusual sounds in her music from nature and manipulates them - like audio-digital photography.

First Episode Psychosis

We went to see him in the hospital. I wanted to cry, then I wanted to shake him back into his skin. This was not the boy I know. I feel angry that this has happened to him. Will he ever come back to be the person we know?

The scariest thing is that he is aware and yet not completely in control or able to change his capacity to come back. He paces around, plays ping pong, paces, watches TV, paces, stares and listens to the voices in hesd head. He told me he did not want his friends to see him this way - he knows there is something terribly wrong.

I never thought that this could be real - and yet when it is so real it gives you a feeling of absolute powerlessness. I cannot hold him adn make the voices go away, I cannot compete with power the voices have over him... Who can help him and how will he ever find his way back.

I want this miracle to happen...I want god to show me and have mercy .

When life goes surreal

I don't know how this could be happening or what the coincidence could be that I have intimate knowledge on the matter, but I wish it was not happening...again.

Over Thanksgiving he was not himself - agitated, paranoid, scared, distant and even violent. This was not the successful ambitous third year business student and brother we know. This is someone new and quite honestly, I can't believe this is really happening.

He is being cared for in a psychiatric facility....I am staring at the page...did I make this up? It may be schizophrenia - I am almost certain. I could not bear Anna having to go through what we have gone through with Donna. It is a nightmare. We will never know him as we did.

I am flying there to be with Anna and Mom. I don't know how to make this better.

This could be a good thing...

Mei has referred me to her friend who is getting marries next summer. Another Photography gig. In addition, I will also be taking photos at Luisa's wedding. And I am very excited about taking some maternity photos for rebecca. I am really starting to mass a good portfolio of images, but I have definately got to make a web site. I could have a real thing going here.