Sunday, February 19, 2006

Fear Distraction

Distraction is ultimatley avoidance for me. Avoiding the fear buried in achieving something or finding out I am not capable of achieving what I dream. Pursuing the dream might mean to lose it or find out it is not there to be grabbed a hold of - that I might do it so very who cares if you do it badly...I guess I do...I always have. So I do nothing instead.

Humour is a way of being glib about fear. Where is the fear I am avoiding through distractions? Begin with the distraction: Creative distraction is maybe discovery and not fear at all..maybe yearning to create is to do somethign meaningful; to get to the meaning of things.

There is meaning in writing, picturing meaning and seeing meaning. I have not yet found that one thing brings meaning into my creative space. I find my photos and my writing a little cliche... afraid to cut to the surface. In fact writing about myelf is really not writing practice at all...but pure distraction from wiritng. I need to write with meaning. I need to picture that.

But this is a warm up. What is my artistic vision - one that will transcend written word, the photograph the medium? I think it will have something to do with fear or rather the lack of it. The quality of woman standing alone and strong in what she beleives. That is not me, it is what I hope for me to be. But when I see it in a statue, a photo, a poem or story - it draws me in.

I need to stop journalling and begin wrtiting and getting real about it. Getting into a real mode of writing and capturing that which is true to what I really want to express, not what I hope to distract myself with. Shame is at the heart of my fear. Put my hear to the ground and listen to the pulse of that for a moment. Fear and judgemnet cloud my head and writing. Quick to write off what doesn't make sense, I need to open my mind and heart to what is before me and listent to what is being said, not what I perceive to be before me. I need a new language of seeing and new what to filter the distraction and a new way to hear what is inside me. Why do I need to travel? Another distraction? Maybe, but it opens me up - wide open - especially where life is smaller that where we are now.

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